Hard....

Disclaimer: this is a serious post and one that has been coming for a while. There is not one specific person or episode that has sent me "over the edge" but a culmination of things my whole life. I am allowed to be frustrated.

For most of my life I have been an over achiever when it came to doing things. When I was in high school, I can remember thinking and doing all I could with each project to make sure that it looked its very best. I also remember that in high school, I did all I could to make my friends and my boyfriend happy. And when college came around, over acheiverness continued to follow me. I found a way to make every lesson spectacular and every worksheet super cute. I organized my music portfolio in a way that my professor had never seen before, but it just made sense to me to have it all in one place. And when I became a certified teacher in a real school with real kids, I killed myself trying to recreate the wheel in ALL avenues. I was on so many committees in hopes to make a true difference not only in my students lives, but in my district as well. I wanted to be the best and like I said this wore me down faster than anything else in my career. And even if my career and this over achiever that lives inside me kept me going in some of the darkest days , I am learning to hate it.

Ever since my divorce and my life was flipped upside down with no one to blame but myself, I vowed to rebuild. Rebuild me. From the ground up. And I did. I vowed that I was to change for no one. You either liked what you got or there wasn't room for you in my life. I was tired of being someone for people instead of being me. After a few years teaching in that first real school, I learned that over achievers get asked to do alot and are expected to volunteer for everything since we are "good" at it. We make it look easy, my all time favorite saying. So I started to shut down that over achiever. I let it come out every once and a while but most of it stayed hidden from view.  I was rebuilding a new me, one with less responsibilities at work.

When I started working at a different district with a different set of kiddos, this over acheiverness was welcomed and somewhat expected. I had found a place where my abilities could be put to good use. And boy did I. Between committees on the district level to committees on the school level, I tried it all. Then doing all I could to improve my actual teaching and classroom management, it was all so fun. And all so hard. I got tired. Then after having my second baby, I got exhausted. I got angry that my family was making me choose them over this dream job, where my over achiever could run free. And boy did I love my job and man oh man did I love my kiddos at school. It was like a drug to me. It made me feel good. It made me feel wanted and appreciated. It made me feel one of a kind. It made me quit.

Yep, quit. Said goodbye to the whole shabang. I realized that my family was more important than this drug, than this job that I was good at. My kids at home were suffering from my lack of patience at home because I had used it all at school on my 25 other kids. So I quit. Here I was. At home. With two kiddo's and one on the way. Then she came along. With me still here, at home. That over achiever  was hidden at first but it soon came out in little ways like cooking and baking. Then it came out in sewing. And now it is just busting forth with just about everything you can imagine. Pinterest is my playground where I play at recess and man oh man do I LOVE recess :).

I hear you asking, "if you are so passionate about this stuff and seem to love it, why did you say you hated it". I hate it for the same reason I mentioned above. I am tired of being judged because of it. I am tired of women HATING me because I can. And I hate that I am making women feel so bad because they can't.

I do all of this stuff so that I don't lose my mind with my kids. I do all of this to save my sanity. I do all of this to feel pride in myself because things I have done in my life or have had done to me in my life haven't always been peachy. I do this stuff not because I want you to feel bad or stupid, but because I love you, the receivers. I am learning that women don't want to know you can do something they can't. They don't want help and feel immediately threatened when they find out. I don't come off cocky, maybe here I am, but in everyday situations I am not. I want women to feel better about themselves and maybe these things might.  I don't know how many times I have heard "I can't be friends with you anymore because you are just too good" or "Is there anything you can't do".  I know they are all little jokes but they sting. Because you aren't really saying good job or wow you did good. You are threatened and I never meant for anyone to feel that way. And yes, there are lots of things I can't do. I am frustrated and mad that I am always looked down because I can do some things.

I love the gifts and talents that God has blessed me with and the fact that he provided me with a brain so that I can learn those talents I don't already have. I love that I have a family and kiddos and kiddo's teachers to spoil rotten. I love who I am and how much I want to share this feeling of accomplishment with other women.

I hate not having a single friend/women to share it with, without it making them feel bad in some way. I hate being ostracized because I can and I do. I hate being used.  My soul has taken all the damage it can and words/tears can no longer stay hidden. Jaded doesn't even begin to describe this feeling.  Why must life be so hard?!