Identity Crisis

Today was my first day of MOPS. For those of you that don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of PreSchoolers. It is basically two hours that moms get together for every other week to empower each other, support each other, and do what women do best : craft and talk. I had a great time and I am super excited to see what comes of this new adventure with some new moms. But to say this is an adventure might surprise some. That is precisely what it is. I headed out this morning with tons of anxiety about this meeting. How would the girls react to being let off at a "nursery" or "preschool"? How am I going to make new friends when I know NO ONE at this meeting? How would I fit in? How would the girls do during those 2 hours?

To say it started off shaky would be an understatement. Running a little later than I had hoped, seeing I had a little red NO GAS light blinking in the van as we pulled out of the driveway, and taking what was probably the longest way to get to the church where the meetings are held was only the beginning. Kyndall did fantastic being let off at her classroom...not even a goodbye. Ella on the other hand was less than thrilled. Tears were coming down as I left the room. I know this is good for her but it kills me to see her cry and to know she is crying because she is scared is even worse. I got myself checked in and found my new table of friends. I had a great time getting to know these women that were at my table and listening to many others that were around the room. During the many speeches about being on time and when it was our turn as a table to bring brunch and snacks, I heard her talk about how each time she becomes a mom she has a bit of an identity crisis. When I heard those words, I couldn't stop thinking about those two words. Identity crisis....that is what I am going through....exactly....identity crisis. I have never tried to put words to what I am going through. I know I am not alone and I know that this too shall pass, but it was nice to hear someone else speak those words.

Who am I? Why am I here? And by here I mean here right here in the middle of our country in this house with these kiddos? Yes, God put me here or led me here and wants me here, but who am I? I have often struggled with this idea ever since I was little. For reason that are only for me to contemplate, I wondered where I fit in or who I was. This feeling had gone away when I met my first husband. I fit in with him and he became who I was. After some time, this became clear that I was wrong and this thought was completely unhealthy. I lost what little there was of me in him and when I lost him, I lost me. I began to rebuild myself through my work and my son. With the help of a couple of my most precious friends and family, I rebuilt my broken world and my broken self. I feel that I have come so far since those times, but still that question forever lingers : who am I?
I feel as if today's meeting was a way for me to start again with a part of my life that feels broken, my friendships. I have had friends come and go throughout my whole life. I look at facebook and see the relationships that many of my highschool friends have with each other still and wonder why I don't have that. The same goes for some of those people I know in my life. I look at the friendships that they have and wonder what it would be like to have that. I am thankful for those friends that I have including one that is incrediably too far away. But in general around this town, I have very little friends. And this word takes on different meanings for different people. I guess defining what it means to me would be the first step in finding what I am wanting. At any rate, I was starting to feel rather alone and like I was meant to live this way. So MOPS is my way of reaching out to try and build those relationships that are necessary to survive as a woman. And so far, the outlook is good.

I know that with an identity crisis, I have to look from within and I am doing plenty of that, trust me. But I am hoping these other moms can reassure me that I will find myself and figure out the question of who I am soon. There are many other sides to this identity crisis and many other areas that I need to weed through such as what does being a mom look like to me and what does being a good wife mean? But for today and tonight, I focus on this. Friends.

What about you, have you gone through or are you going through an identity crisis?